Thursday, February 23, 2006

It's Resolution Time Again

Last year I posted a list of the basic resolutions that people routinely try to accomplish each year and I listed my own self-improvement goals and how well I fared from the previous year. I won’t bore anyone with how much more I’ve grown as a human, suffice to say that if I were anymore angelic, I’d never be able to eat devil’s food cake again.

Still, I know how difficult it is for the poor man and woman on the street to keep their sites on personal triumphs like dropping ten pounds, quitting the coffin nails or even just being nicer to jerks on the road. And while I may be a near-angel, I’m no shrink, so I’ve enlisted the help of my friend, University of Podunkia trained psychologist, Dr. Werner Bratwurst, who is a shrink. The following is a question and answer session that the good doctor agreed to do.

Me: Dr. Bratwurst, what advice can you give to people to help them keep their New Year’s resolutions?

Dr.B: Vell, furst uf all, you must not vait until ze last minute to make your zelf-promises. I suggest that you make New Years rezzolutions right away, und make them for the next fife years…all in advance!

Me: Ahh, but Doc, isn’t this a little presumptuous? Are you saying that you should expect to fail every year?

Dr.B: NEIN!…my uneducated little friend.. I am saying zat people should expect to succeed gloriously at every silly personal goal zat they attempt. When ze truth of their abject failures come back to hit them like a shovel full uf rocks, then ze slate is wiped clean und we can really begin to change.

Me: Ohh..ok, you want to ‘tear them down to build them back up’ the Marines, right?

Dr.B: VAT are you talkink about, Marines? I’m telling you zat people have verrrry high expectations uf zemselves, und in order to create a lasting impresssion on ze psyche, you must throw it into a tizzy, a maelstrom,
a gevundischstrichen.

Me: (wrinkling brow, cro-magnon style) Ehhh..ookay. Gevundistiten, right.

Dr.B: Ven you begin to rebuild your confidence, it is important to repeat to yourzelf, ‘I vill nefer again do’ ziz, or zat.’

Me: ziz…or zat?

Dr.B: Und you must have conzeqvences to pay if you fail to succeed.

Me: Ok, so what sort of conze…what sort of payment would you suggest?

Dr.B: Chocolate Cake

Me: Chocolate cake? But that doesn’t sound like much of a punishment, Doc?

Dr.B: Und zat iss vhy I am ze Zychologist und you are ze see, mein liebling, ze punishment must be worse than ze crime.

Me: Doc, I still don’t get it. What is so terrible about Chocolate Cake?

Dr.B: If you had my vife’s chocolate cake, you vud know! (rimshot)

Me: made a joke! That was funny, Doc…ahh, was that a drum-hit I heard in the background?

Dr.B: Yah, I am toying vith you a little, you are so boring. My friend, ze one thing you must understand about making und keeping ze New Year’s resolutions is zat..(click) bzzzzzzzzz

Me: Doc?….Dr. Bratwurst?

I must apologize. The doctor’s advice isn’t as valuable as I was hoping.
But he did make one point that hit home with me. Whatever we decide to do to improve or repair our personalities, we should try to keep a healthy sense of humor about it. Happy New Year!


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